Knowing When to Quit
It took a year of turning my entire paycheck over to my counselor* for me to realize: the reason I was not ready to finish therapy was because I was not willing to quit the things in my life that were toxic. Starting with, my job.
It shouldn’t have been a shock. I knew my job was making me miserable. The job allowed very little free time, stifled my creativity, and had a few toxic pieces that made working especially difficult. Yet, I thought I was supposed to stay. The work itself was insanely important to me and I was really good at it. I had invested so much time and love and energy, quitting felt as if I was saying none of that mattered.
Similarly, quitting felt irresponsible. I was still fresh in my field, needing more experience. Turning in my resignation also felt immature, like I did not have what it takes to be an adult and stick through hard times. My entire life, I heard the phrase, “It’s called work for a reason. It’s not supposed to be fun.” It echoed through my lonely apartment too, convincing me that the job wasn’t toxic, I simply wasn’t enough. Those same walls also reminded me that I was completely on my own. If I quit this one job, how could I provide for myself ever again?
So, I stayed. It was the right thing to do.
And yet, looking back, I realize out of one trillion options I had, sticking with the status quo was not actually the best choice. My health suffered. My relationships suffered. My work suffered. I lost valuable years because I was allowing myself to be limited by my beliefs.
The problem with that? Beliefs define our reality, but they are not always the truth.
Limiting beliefs manifest themselves in many different ways for each of us. Yet, we all have false narratives preventing forward progress and keeping us stuck where we are. You may relate to the ones I just listed or have some of your own. However your limited beliefs present themselves, there are 3 deeper reasons why we get stuck and do not leave when it is time to quit.
We are afraid to let go of the “known” and the security it brings. This can manifest itself for all of us who live by the “should and shouldn’t do” rules. We naturally feel more comfortable when we know what to expect and what is expected of us —even if it sucks. This is why we stay in mediocre relationships, keep working jobs that drain us, go to the grocery store even though we know they have shit produce. We adapt and push our own desires, dreams, gift, etc to the side because we are afraid to stir up the status quo. By choosing security over risk, we restrict ourselves and our ability to make decisions. At the bottom of this limited belief, we are saying comfort is more important than anything else.
We are afraid of failure. This is for all of us who believe we do not have what it takes. For those of us who have thought, “That’s just how the world works, no one gets what they want.” For those of us who are stuck in who we think we are or are not, who we can and can’t be. Those of us who have tried in the past, did not get the results we wanted, and now assume we never can try again. For those of us who think there is too much at stake—leaving means putting ourselves, our lives as we know them, and the people we care for at risk. At the bottom of this limited belief, we do not believe there is enough. Or, that we are not enough.
We are afraid of greatness. As humans, we stick to the status quo, even if we know it is holding us back from success (whatever that may look like for you.) We are terrified of our own greatness & potential. We know our own flaws, and climbing the ladder feels like flying too close to the sun—someone is going to find out that we don’t belong or we are not actually great. Maybe we learned that no one can “have it all,” so when it feels like we are reaching our goals, we pull back because we are afraid “another shoe will drop.” (This belief can often circle back to #2). And sometimes, we are just afraid of greatness, of strokes of genius because it feels so big, so weighty, so crucial. We feel like we are too small of a container to hold it all. Therefore we withhold ourselves from relationships, job opportunities, or investments that can benefit us because we do not believe we deserve it or can earn it. At the bottom of this limited belief, we mistake greatness and success as synonyms for perfection and believe we cannot achieve it.
Blame It All on My Roots...
Notice that all of the limiting beliefs listed above have fear as their main roots. We have a primal fear radar within each us of that flashes the “DANGER” lights anytime we start to wonder/wander away from what we are currently doing. Let’s be real, we are thankful in part for this radar because it keep our ancestors from falling off cliffs and cuddling with lions. However, it has not caught up to the complexities of being a human in 2019, so we need to override how it manifests itself in our day to day decisions. Non-life threatening risks sound the alarm, but we need to learn to think of this as “routine maintenance tests” and move on.
We need to teach ourselves to spot other, more dangerous red flags that our fear-dar overlooks and know ourselves when to call it quits. Here’s a few:
Redflag #1: The thing you are thinking about quitting is negatively affecting your mental, emotional, relational, or physical health. This can manifest itself is so many ways. Constant frustration, extreme fatigue, bouts of anxious thinking and depressive thoughts, or no desire for self care are only a few examples. Maybe you have no time for things you enjoy or can’t remember the last day you took a break. If it is ever serious enough that you are contemplating hurting yourself or others, please tell someone you trust and seek immediate help from a licensed professional. There is absolutely no shame in not being okay—seeking therapy and help are the best & bravest things you can do.
Redflag #2: You feel like you’ve done all you can and have exhausted your resources. As much as it is up to you, have you done it? Are you showing up on time? Truly giving it your all? Being decent to others involved and staying out of drama? Have you expressed your feelings and needs clearly? Have you asked for more work or challenge? Are you taking care of yourself (ie: showering regularly)? Have you been doing these things consistently over a several months? If the answer to all of the above is “yes,” then it may be time to leave.
Redflag #3: Your circumstances have changed, for better or worse. Sickness, marriage, new degrees, long commute times, building new skills, etc are all reasons that you may be feeling strain in your job or situation. As our live changes, so do our priorities. Sometimes life acts like a trampoline and catapults us to the next thing—there is no shame in that. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re giving up on or no longer find value in somebody/something, it simply means you are ready for something different in this season.
Redflag #4: You compared, and the grass is actually greener. Is there something else that has captured your attention? Maybe you’re ready for an advanced degree or more money or a totally new field. Maybe you are simply curious about a new project or cause. No matter what it is, if you find yourself day dreaming and working out details for something you are only pursuing in your head, it may be time to invest. A good litmus test is asking yourself, “How much do I really know about ______? Where can I learn more or experience it? Who do I know that has experience with it? What am I willing to give up to pursue it? ”
How do we give ourselves permission to leave?
Give yourself a timeline to figure it out. Go ahead and sit on this decision, but make sure there is a date on your calendar when you are ultimately going to know your decision by. This is not cold hearted or too scheduled. This is to hold yourself accountable so you don’t wait forever. Indecision is ultimately a decision—but it doesn’t mean it is right or purposeful.
Make a list of all the reasons you WANT to stay. This is not a place to write down reasons you “should” stay—nope, “should” removes your authority to give yourself permission. Why do you want to stay—honestly. This list does not need to be any specific length to give you clarity.
Ask trusted friends. Do not ask them, “What should I do?” This is key! Ask them instead: where do they see you thriving? What gifts do they think you have and are you currently exploring them? Do you seem healthy to them mentally, physically, and emotionally given your current situation? What are patterns they hear when you talk about _____(your job, relationship, project, house, etc) This is not a time for them to advise, simply share what they see as non-biased as possible.
Say out loud, “I have permission to make intentional decisions in my life, including giving myself permission to leave.” Speaking truth in the face of limiting beliefs is key to overcoming fear.
Get your body moving! Bring your body into the decision making process. I know, I know. This sounds ridiculous, but it works. After all, your body is the fortress around your heart, your passions, and your soul. Get in tune with all of yourself through movement and exercise, so you can listen more intently to your inner voice.
Write it out. If you haven’t already, write out what is important to you. Ask yourself the hard questions and feel completely free to brainstorm all your options. (I’ll include possible questions to ask below.) Then ask yourself, “Of the options presented, which aligns the most with who I am and who I am becoming?”
After all that, here’s some truth.
You are the expert in your life. You already know within yourself what your answer is. You ultimately know if leaving is running away from something that scares you OR if leaving is opening you up to a world of new opportunities and health. You do not need anyone else’s approval or permission. You are capable of doing whatever it is you decide to do. You just are.
There is enough—you have enough. Including, permission to leave.**
No matter what, I believe with my whole heart that your story can have a happy ending. You can change things where you are so it better serves you. Or you can leave and pursue other great things.
I did all of the things listed above and ultimately, quit the well paying job. As it turns out: It was not irresponsible. It was not immature. It was not selfish. It wasn’t any of the things my limiting beliefs scared me into believing it would be.
It wasn’t easy, don’t hear me say that, but it was absolutely worth the work and risk. Quitting my job was the most freeing experience I ever had. Quitting my life as it was taught me to trust myself and my intuition. Confidence and freedom and life were all gained by shutting the door. And honestly, that decision point changed the trajectory of my life.
Clarity and Self Reflection Questions, As Promised
Do I feel like my gifts are being well utilized & strengthened? Am I able to be authentically myself and feel good about who I am?
Is my contribution helping others? Am I also benefitting from this in a way that is beneficial to where I want to go one day?
Why do I spend time dreaming about XYZ—is it because I’m avoiding something here or because I’m curiously drawn to something else?
What is keeping me here? What are my reasons for leaving?
If I left now, how could I do it while maintaining relationships?
What would I want to do next? Do I have a plan for how that may work?
How is staying affecting my emotional, mental, physical health?
Can I honestly say I have been giving it my all (ie: showing up on time, staying out of gossip, looking for additional work, giving it my all, letting go of grudges, etc?
How does _______ align with who I am becoming? How can this contribute to the legacy I want to leave?
Does this decision fit within the values I hold for myself, my life, and others?
*Disclaimer #1: Therapy and counseling are SO IMPORTANT. If you are a human being, there are going to be times that counseling is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and others. I cannot express this enough. My quip here about paying too much had everything to do with no having control on my finances, and had nothing to do with the incredible value my therapist offered me. I will not compete in the coaching vs therapy game—both are helpful resources. A good mixture of both, in my opinion, is the way to go.
**Disclaimer #2: You can totally manipulate the words of this blog for selfish gain—that was not the intent. Quitting and leaving should always be done with respect for the people it affects. We’re not burning bridges and letting fingers fly around here. If quitting involves you sacrificing your character, you’re doing it wrong.
