5 Ways to be a Boss (without being "bossy")
Much to my husband’s dismay, I frequent a neighborhood cafe to work on my side hustles. After several months, I basically know everyone who works there. There’s one morning manager in particular who I think rocks. She gracefully deals with horrible customers and keeps a chaotic environment upbeat. One morning however, I saw her talking to an employee about something he had done wrong, ordering too many of something, I believe. Nonchalantly eavesdropping, I overheard her say, “I don’t want to be bossy, but…”
I sighed. The rest of her sentence didn’t matter. What did was her committing a mistake I think so many women, including myself struggle with.
Everything in me wanted to interject and say, “You’re literally his boss. By definition, you are supposed to be bossy and give instructions to those who work for you. You should not apologize for doing your job and kindly correcting his mistake.”
Although, I have to admit I am as guilty of minimizing myself to keep the peace with others as to not hurt feelings. In principle, this sounds like a nice thing to do.
However, when a leader is apologetic for her position, she is minimizing her leadership, and can damage potential positive change.
There has to be a way for us women to be self assured and confident in our leadership, including when we correct others, without feeling like or coming across as bossy, pushy, arrogant, or aggressive.
I realize people have been flying this flag way longer than I have, but here are some solutions I have found which protect relationships, while maintaining a businesslike demeanor.
1. Rehearse what you really intend to say.
Like all parts of life, having a strategy or talking points before you enter into a tough conversation is key. Knowing what you need to say and how you want to say it prevents you from compromising yourself or ideas; or making promises you do not intend to keep because your mind is preoccupied with picking up emotional cues.
2. Remind yourself frequently of the work, skills, and expertise you bring to your position.
Having self confidence goes a long way when it is time to speak up, out, or against. Someone hired you because your experience, skills, and work ethic were in line with what the business, ministry, or company needed. You had something to offer when you were hired and you still do. Speak up with your ideas, critics, and creative innovations. Most importantly, remember your worth comes from Christ, not performance or others’ approval. (This is true in all relationships, not just business!)
3. Rid your vocabulary of all “buts” and other minimizing words.
You’ll get this right when you never mutter a sentence like this again.
“I JUST wanted to tell you…”
“I don’t mean to ______, BUT ______”
“It is not a big deal, BUT ______”
First of all, you are minimizing a situation that is clearly important enough to demand a conversation. Saying otherwise is untruthful. Additionally, without giving a problem the attention it needs, you are preventing the other person from understanding the extent of the situation. In the future, they are more likely to make the same mistake because in their mind, “It’s not a big deal.” Expressing needs as preferences will never work in your favor.
4. Replace minimizing words with honest, yet kind truth.
Another way to have the same conversation is to explain why behavioral change or problem solving is necessary. For instance:
“I need to talk to you about ordering too many coffee cups because it is really important that we stick to the budget this quarter. Sales are down and we need to all work together to make sure we are not overspending.”
In this situation, you are maintaining your position and telling the truth in a way that empowers your employee and invites them into being part of the solution. You do not “just want to talk to them.” Instead, you need to ensure that everyone is on the same page, that problems do not become patterns, and the future health of the company (project, family, etc) is everyone’s concern.
5. Remember to give frequent feedback.
Set up times in your schedule that you frequently encourage and appreciate those around you. Make sure to notice when they are performing well, so when something does go awry, it won’t be your first interaction with them. People naturally feel empowered when they know what is expected from them, therefore initial training and clear expectations are vital. This takes more upfront work, but has lasting results.
