Making Friends As An Adult
Making friends as an adult can be really difficult! In fact, this is something I hear other women struggle with all the time. As I moved to a new town recently, I’m also in the throws of trying to figure this out.
In a very oversimplified nutshell, here’s what happens. As women, we typically find a good community in college of people who are like us, who inspire us, and love us. And then we graduate. Or move. Or get married. Or have our friends get married and start having families. The point is, something shifts as we all enter adulthood in our own ways and our friend group changes, shifts, or disappears all together. Years go by and we realize we’re lacking connection.
One of my favorite quotes is “The biggest miracle Jesus ever did was have a group of 12 friends in his 30s.” Um. Yes. Real life. Twelve? I’m just trying to have like…2 in my own town.
Often, we can allow ourselves to spiral into negative thinking. We think everyone is hanging out without us. Or that we are not good enough to have friends. Or that something’s wrong with us or our lifestyle. “I’m not fun anymore.” “I’m too busy.” “No one ever calls me.” “I tried, but there wasn’t space for me in their group. I don’t fit in.” It’s like middle school all over again, but we’ve finally started to embrace our curves.
Additionally, relationships take a large dose of energy and vulnerability—especially new ones. It’s hard to put yourself out there, give a friendship a chance, and reintroduce yourself. Especially after transitions, finding friends can feel like going on a whole lot of first dates. That coupled with actually busy schedules (not like in college when we thought taking 15 hours was a lot!), it’s easy to wonder if having friendships are worth it.
Geography, work schedules, self confidence, family, partnerships, and other life demands…it all plays a factor in how we approach friendships.
So what do we do about this? What are our options?
Work Friendships:
If you work outside of the home, this might be a good place to start connecting with other like-minded individuals. Maybe ask someone at the office to grab coffee or a drink afterwork. Of course with work relationships, there are a few layers of professionalism involved, but hopefully you can find a few trusted co-workers. The stereotypical “water cooler” buddies may turn into life long friends—I have a few who have—but it also may just be a positive chance to interact with other humans. They also may be a good place to start “networking” for other friends outside the office.
Faith/ Exercise Based Friendships
Many women like you and I are involved in faith communities or commitment based exercise groups. The positive aspects of putting yourself out there when it comes to groups like this are: you’ll find friends who prioritize the same things as you and typically these groups meet at consistent times outside work hours each week. When your busy schedule is the thing that’s getting in the way, this is a chance to set aside an hour or so just for you! Plus it’ll be a chance to grow yourself while you’re also pursuing relationships.
Meet Ups/ Community Events/volunteer somewhere
There’s an app for that! And Facebook event pages and tons of businesses promoting their upcoming events. Truly no matter how small your town may be, there’s a group doing something somewhere. I promise. Most recently, I signed up for a Beginner Gardener class that put on by a branch of the local college—so again, I’ll be growing (hopefully literally) while also meeting like minded individuals. Also, be willing to try something new or something you’re not good at (yet). If you hate it, I promise you never have to go back.
Becoming a Local Somewhere
It may take longer in a bigger city, but pick a place you love and frequent often! Be extra nice to the baristas or librarian that checks out your books. Sit at the bar, not a table by yourself, at the local bar or dinner on a slow day and be open to conversations around you. Bring your dog to the dog park the same time each day. Do your best to learn names and remember to follow up on stories. Extra hint: If you plan to visit often, remember your budget & go for a place or drink that’s affordable.
Casting a Wide Net and Inviting a Lot of People
If you’re frustrated by the lack of opportunities, make some yourself. It doesn’t have to be fancy at all. Lay perfectionism aside—people want to be friends with real humans, not plastic ones. Open up your house. Or plan to go to a restaurant. Think about the atmosphere—will people be able to mingle? Will they be able to hear the conversations? Will it be comfortable? Don’t get caught up in how many people show, just be thrilled to be with the ones who did! We hosted a drop in “soup party” for our whole neighborhood last month! Super easy & cheap way to meet the neighbors—and guess what? They came and now we know the names and stories of people on our street! And the ones who couldn’t make it were all excited about the possibility of another one—people are craving connection just like us!
Being Confident Enough to be Friends with Our Friends’ Friends
There’s a limiting belief a lot of us women have called The Rule of Three. It states if our friend has another friend, we couldn’t possibly be as included or as liked as the other. The good news is most of us have grown up and grown past the pettiness that made this true in middle school. The truth is: your mutual friend sees worth & goodness in both of you and you probably have a lot more in common than you thought! So be willing to be the third wheel & make it work! And be willing to extend an invite to hang out with just them—soon enough your friend group may increase by one.
Actually Show Up for Your Freakin’ Plans.
There’s silly internet meme going around that says how to make friends as an adult, and it basically is a list of canceling, rescheduling, and canceling plans until you die. It’s only funny because it’s true. And it’s only true because often we are selfish in our relationships. Yes, there are definitely unavoidable reasons to reschedule. But “not feeling like it” or “forgetting” or “already having your bra off” are not it. To put it bluntly, if you’re not a committed friend, what makes you think you deserve one? Also, you’ve been the one who blocked out time for a friend only to have her call last minute. It sucks thinking she is placing more value on something else than your relationship. So as much as it’s up to you, don’t do that to someone else.
Connect through social media, but meet up in real life.
Social media is a great way to stay connected with friends who are far away or that we don’t see very often! But there’s something about actual face to face connection when the fascade of the screen is wiped away. So plan a trip—annual meet up trips are great to get on the calendar in advance! If that’s not in the budget, then prioritize connecting in other ways. Facetime, Marco Polo, a good old fashion phone call or snail mail for big days are all great places to start! I have one friend who I connect with via email because it comes with a lot of flexibility in response time, but lets us talk real talk unlike texting or other options.
Go Above & Beyond to Show Up for Them
We love good stories because they always end up with a radio over his head outside her window or a sweet airport chase. (Did she get off the plane?? I got off the plane!) While I wouldn’t recommend standing outside the window of your new friend’s house with a radio over your head, I do think showing up boldly in friendships is important. Send a card with $5 on Venmo for a birthday coffee treat on you. Go to their art show or support their extra curricular. If they have kids, sit in the baseball stands with them & bring sunscreen and y’all favorite Sonic drinks. Send memes on bad days and bring dinner on especially hard days. It doesn’t have to be over the top (or creepy) to be thoughtful. You may feel like you’re the only one putting in any effort (and there are definitely some boundaries) but when it’s a new relationship, you’re trying to prove what kind of friend you’ll be—and everyone wants the friend who delights in them.
Say yes to opportunities even if it’s not totally your thing.
One of my best friendships began when I invited a new girl to lunch, only to remember I already had plans with a group of older ladies at Wendy’s. I felt weird having to explain the change of plans and was confident she’d say no. But she said yes. Turns out she was new to town and made a pact with herself that if anyone asked her to do something & she didn’t have a good reason to say no, she’d say yes and try it. Four years later, we’re still friends who never eat at Wendy’s but laugh about that day often!
This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a start! The truth is you have to find out what works for you and then go do it. I promise the people around you are looking for connection and friendships too. You’ll find your people and cultivate friendships as an adult. Like all things in life, it simply takes a willingness to fail and confidence to try again.
