Putting Fear Into Its Place
Goodness, I’m glad Halloween is over. I know that’s an unpopular opinion, but growing up, I absolutely hated all the spooky blood & clowns & werewolves that accompanied it. Even the funny, light hearted kids’ movies terrified me. It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized no one else considered Hocus Pocus a horror film. Who knew?!
Perhaps the movie that terrorized me the most as a child though was Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. I will never forget the scene in which Violet blows up like a blueberry! I couldn’t eat fruit for weeks.
Similar to Violet who pops the piece of chewing gum in her mouth, we help ourselves to a small nugget of fear—it could be a “what if” question, or a small doubt about ourselves, or something someone said. But the point is, we start chewing on it—giving fear the power to grow and grow and grow. Our anxiety and doubt inflate, expanding until the fear itself becomes the lens through which we see reality. Eventually the fear itself becomes the framework within which we live our lives, the heaviness in our chests becomes the norm. We find ourselves trapped, overwhelmed, and even frozen.
Fear has been an unwanted companion of mine for, well, my entire life, so hear me when I say, this is no way to live. This is especially true as women who are seeking to be more authentic and more intentional with our days. In addition to having my own struggles with being afraid, I have found fear is one of the main causes I see when clients get stuck and are unable to make progress on their goals.
So how do we pop the ballon of fear?
Unfortunately, there’s no cure for fear. In fact, there is are many benefits of having natural fear kick in, so we don’t want to override our body/brain’s defense system completely. But we do want to have ways to combat it when fear oversteps its place.
So, we start simple.
It may feel like we are attempting to chop down a forest with a pocket knife, but that’s where we must start because that’s how we began.
Do Your Research. One of fear’s major weapons is to play mind games with us, to make us think we don’t know what we’re doing or are incapable of handling problems when they arise. That’s BS, so prove it. Do you research. Find the information and answers you’re looking for. So when Fear asks, “Well what about…?” you’re already stocked with the answer. Plus, we all feel more grounded and more equipped to take on a problem when we have the answers to our questions. Not sure where to begin with the research, try asking: How much will it cost? What programs are out there? Who has done this before? What others options do I have? If this obstacle arises, what are ways I can overcome it?
Tell Your Friend. The second tool Fear will enlist is isolation—making you feel like you’re totally alone and totally responsible. This is the space for you to call up a realistic friend (not someone who wants to stamp Lisa Frank rainbows and unicorns over bad days) but a friend who can hear your fear, see the truth in it, and also defend the worth in you. Invite them in. Ask them for encouragement & maybe even a kick in the pants. Show Fear that you have people in your corner, because guess what? You do.
Prepare Your Space. Fear starts getting desperate at this point, so it relies on distractions that will occupy your head & energy, leaving no time to accomplish what you set out to do. A small, simple way to overcome this is to prepare what you need the day before. If you want to exercise at 6am, leave the shoes by the door and fill up your water bottle the night before. If you want to sit down and type the words to the books that resides in your heart, charge your computer and make your outline the night before. Think through any and all of the obstacles you can see, and then prep for them. Setting your space will help you mentally prepare for the task ahead too.
Check Your Expectations. When we allow Fear to inflate, it expands our expectations of success along with it. Quickly, instead of simply wanting to complete something, we begin to think we must perfect it. Perfection and comparison are traps that SO many of us get stuck in. So ask yourself, what does it specifically look like for you to complete the step in front of you? Remember, we’re sticking to small steps, so it shouldn’t look like jumping from 5 to 1,000. No, set realistic expectations for yourself and only allow them to grow when you say it is time to more forward.
Take the First Step. You’ve heard it before, I’m sure, but sometimes we just need to “do it afraid.” You will not always feel confident and you definitely won’t always feel motivated—that’s because feelings are fleeting! You know what is not? Taking a step, a small simple step forward. We can research and prepare and tell friends and be very clear about our expectations all day long, and Fear can still be victorious. The best way to pop its influence in our life is to make the call, write the words, have the conversation, turn in the resignation, or hit submit.
When it comes to fear, we have to start chipping away. Eventually, we will be able to use it for the tool it truly is: our brain’s effort to protect us which makes us think through problems, do the research and prep work needed, enlist the right people, and approach our goals with a plan in mind.
